Ducks, cigarettes and Asians

So yesterday I was attacked by a duck. I saw it coming from a mile away. Those beady black eyes and the weird bit of feathers on the back of its head, we were destined to be enemies. Luckily a human outruns a duck. Fucking creeks.

Anyways, there's an old guy on the train who catches it regularly. Mostly people will see him in the afternoons once in a while, but I always run into him in my free periods (since I catch the late train). A general description for this guy would be: yellowy white-haired, wrinkled, dirty, pedaphilic and cigarette-smelling old turd. I swear he sleeps in cigarettes cause the whole carriage smells like smoke when he's in it. I've actually seen him rolling joints at Carlo station. What the hell is wrong with our society? How can people like this be allowed to roam in public? If only this was the Dark Ages.

If anyone has ever been shopping in a Chinese grocery store, they will know of this issue. The issue of what I call "Shoulderchargeanyoneintheway" syndrome. Now say if you go shopping at Woolworths and run into for example a Caucasian person, if they are even within one metre of your direct line of sight, they will apologise, as if they've committed some great crime against a person of high status. If this happened within an Asian grocery, I suggest you tense up, because you will get forcibly pushed until you are out of the way. The other day some woman smacked me in
the shin with her basket and proceeded to shoulder me even though we were standing in a two person wide aisle. Word of advice for future shopping trips, learn some parkour.

Today I had stomach pains and told my grandma. Despite the fact I told her it began around recess, she continues to argue it was because I ate ice cream at 5pm. Somehow my stomach saw the future and knew what was coming and started hurting to warn me of a poor choice in the future. Top Asian superstitions.

When it comes to digestive problems, I'm sure this guy's got all the answers:

Listen up!
Let’s say you drink too much strawberry milk, and have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.
But it’s cold outside your bed.
You don’t want to get up, but the urge to urinate is just too strong!
You make up your mind to go!
You run to the bathroom, stand in front of the toilet, and let loose!
You think that all your life has led to this moment!
But then you realize!
It isn’t the bathroom, you’re still in bed!
That feeling of lukewarm wetness spreads like wildfire!
But you don’t stop! You can’t stop!
That’s what I’m talking about!
THAT’S THE TRUTH OF THE STRAWBERRY MILK!
DO YOU GET IT!?” -Sakata Gintoki