End of the road.

Unfortunately the producers of this blog have run out of budget. Hopefully it will return, but we are on hiatus for now.

Fenny's Monja everyone.

Adults, construction and excursions

On the weekend we went shopping, and my grandma has gained experience points in retardation. She walked past the seafood section and decided to buy a lobster because it looked fresh. When we got home and my mum asked her how to cook it and she replied: "You have to cook it?".

I found a video the other day showing the maturity of adults. Laughing at a fart. Yes, those are actual adults in a real meeting. I am constantly surprised by the level of screwed we are.

Many people who follow the news may know that a train line extension has been planned for the Carlingford line, connecting Clyde to Epping. However this project has been delayed from 2000 to 2014, and after Gillard's term (ending in '13/'14), most likely the next party will further postpone the arrangements. Some people wonder, does the whole world have this issue? China obviously doesn't: Fastass Construction. Holy shit, that's some ninjashit building.

Finally I'd like to rage a little at excursions. Most people will agree that the majority of school excursions are mostly dull and boring. However that is because not many people have listened to Ancient History lectures. Listing the 151 original Pokemon, playing Pokemon hangman, solving over a hundred levels of Unblock Me, there is endless fun to be found. Plus the excitement of the building catching fire added to the overall fun day out. No but seriously, it was a great break from school. Also saw a shirtless, shoeless, anorexic guy sobbing while drinking beer. I'm guessing he fucked up somewhere along the way. And there was an old black man who was driving a motorised vehicle for the disabled. He had long dreadlocks and 3 beard dreadlocks. As he drove by I just thought "they see me rolling...".

Hopefully this will be a good week before the week of death.

Zombie Invasion Survival Guide

I personally enjoy a good horror movie, with zombie invasion style ones at the top of my list. However my main issue with most films, is that the characters seem to have never actually seen a zombie invasion film themselves, thus, they die. I've decided that since 2012 is nearing, I will write a guide for all the people who deserve to survive but don't know how.

5 Rules of Survival

1. Never go alone.
You know those times when some idiot says: "Hey, maybe I should go check it out?", runs out into the darkness with a torch and dies? Try not to be that idiot.

2. Never go alone to find the guy who went alone.
Seriously, learn from other's mistakes. If one dumbass goes and gets eaten, don't try to find him, you'll only get eaten yourself.

3. Finish it.
How many times has the phrase: "Is it dead?" been someone's last words? If you hit the zombie in the face with a bat, continue to beat the living shit out of it (Or dying shit out of it), don't stop to check.

4. Don't save him.
Doubtlessly someone will fall over right when being chased by zombies and chances are, you are the only one to turn around and see the guy on the ground. I know it may be harsh, but fuck 'im. He is so screwed for not tying his laces up, running back will only screw you over too.

5. Check it.
Throughout your adventure, you will run into many little obstacles which may lead to your face getting eaten. So it is in your best interests to check everything before you do anything. E.g. fuel level in a car, ammo in a gun, water/food in your bag, laces tied, doors locked etc.

One more piece of advice which isn't a rule but more of a guideline, is don't shit in private. Yes, you may be asking: "What the fuck? You want me to shit in front of you?", so I will answer, "Do you want to die shitting yourself?". Make sure people are within range of you so that if you are getting raped by a zombie's mouth, they can shoot it's ass.

Some other factors of surviving a zombie invasion include weaponry choices. Recently reading a blog I discovered some interesting facts. The best melee weapon would be a crowbar, while a ranged weapon would be a .22 Calibre Long Rifle. A crowbar can be used for opening locked doors or crates as well as de-braining. While the rifle is quite powerful and ammo is easily found for it. However they only work for Americans. (for more info American Zombie Survival Guide).

Since guns are hard to find in Australia, more commonly found and useful weapons include cricket bats, gardening hoes, and molotov cocktails. I also advise the use of young siblings as sacrifices. But we as a nation should be more prepared for what may come. So I suggest the government get working on some zombie killin' defence. Here is a list of ranged weapons Australia should have a think about designing: Weapons List
My favourite being the good ole rocket-propelled-chainsaw.

There is so much more to life than sitting around studying and playing games, we may run into more troubles then paying taxes in the future. As Columbus from Zombieland once said, "It's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm."
So suit up everybody, and let's go kill some bitches!

Ducks, cigarettes and Asians

So yesterday I was attacked by a duck. I saw it coming from a mile away. Those beady black eyes and the weird bit of feathers on the back of its head, we were destined to be enemies. Luckily a human outruns a duck. Fucking creeks.

Anyways, there's an old guy on the train who catches it regularly. Mostly people will see him in the afternoons once in a while, but I always run into him in my free periods (since I catch the late train). A general description for this guy would be: yellowy white-haired, wrinkled, dirty, pedaphilic and cigarette-smelling old turd. I swear he sleeps in cigarettes cause the whole carriage smells like smoke when he's in it. I've actually seen him rolling joints at Carlo station. What the hell is wrong with our society? How can people like this be allowed to roam in public? If only this was the Dark Ages.

If anyone has ever been shopping in a Chinese grocery store, they will know of this issue. The issue of what I call "Shoulderchargeanyoneintheway" syndrome. Now say if you go shopping at Woolworths and run into for example a Caucasian person, if they are even within one metre of your direct line of sight, they will apologise, as if they've committed some great crime against a person of high status. If this happened within an Asian grocery, I suggest you tense up, because you will get forcibly pushed until you are out of the way. The other day some woman smacked me in
the shin with her basket and proceeded to shoulder me even though we were standing in a two person wide aisle. Word of advice for future shopping trips, learn some parkour.

Today I had stomach pains and told my grandma. Despite the fact I told her it began around recess, she continues to argue it was because I ate ice cream at 5pm. Somehow my stomach saw the future and knew what was coming and started hurting to warn me of a poor choice in the future. Top Asian superstitions.

When it comes to digestive problems, I'm sure this guy's got all the answers:

Listen up!
Let’s say you drink too much strawberry milk, and have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.
But it’s cold outside your bed.
You don’t want to get up, but the urge to urinate is just too strong!
You make up your mind to go!
You run to the bathroom, stand in front of the toilet, and let loose!
You think that all your life has led to this moment!
But then you realize!
It isn’t the bathroom, you’re still in bed!
That feeling of lukewarm wetness spreads like wildfire!
But you don’t stop! You can’t stop!
That’s what I’m talking about!
THAT’S THE TRUTH OF THE STRAWBERRY MILK!
DO YOU GET IT!?” -Sakata Gintoki

Ashfield, swimming pools and him

So last weekend I went to Ashfield RSL club to have lunch to celebrate my grandma's birthday. I was kind of looking forward to it, since there would be food involved. However food wasn't quite the word I would use upon tasting the 'samples' offered. For example, the dumpling tasted more like meat flavoured biscuits. There was capsicum flavoured noodles. And someone thought it was smart to use noodles as spring roll filling. Then I went to get some soft drinks and half the dispensers were filled with soda water. When it got to desert, I wasn't even in the mood anymore. Lets just say it wasn't even close to the epic flaventure I had at Star City.

Since I live in a townhouse, I have access to a medium sized swimming pool. However since there are about 50 bogans and mentally retarded teenagers within a half kilometre radius, it is in poor condition to say the least. There used to be a gym inside, but all the gym equipment got stolen or broken. And someone managed to rip off the blades of the ceiling fan, 4 metres off the ground. The spa is always filled with piss, the steam machine in the sauna is filled with piss, and the toilets are generally overflowing with piss. The taps haven't worked in years, and last weekend I noticed they replaced the taps. Uh oh.
Fortunately the female bathroom is in very good condition, so on a late night I would use that one. However when other people are at the pool, I must harden my resolve and force myself to have a quick shower in a doorless, windowless, tap handle-missing, shower head-broken shower stall. Years ago the council installed metal bars over the windows to prevent people breaking in. Crowbars were a simple answer to that obstacle. Nowadays, I'm just happy I leave the swimming pool with no STDs.

Although I haven't raged much on our maths teacher, I think we all know what Haunter evolves into. The other day I attempted to get a bookmark, and he spent 20 minutes marking my questions one at a time. One example was where I got the answer of 6.46 something and he got 6.40. This led to him redoing the question and his answer was I quote "You forgot to multiply by two". How the- what the- argh fuck it. I taught him where he went wrong and we moved on. But seriously, I am so screwed for next year. If only an unfortunate accident happened...

So ends another troublesome week of work and play. Everyone is probably stressed with everything but "You can do it!~" Piece out, and I'll leave you with another great lesson from the one and only:

"Stress makes you bald, but it's stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway, so in the end there's nothing you can do." -Sakata Gintoki